THE MOST EVIL COMPANIES WE’VE EVER SEEN
Companies! Fictional Companies! They’re almost always evil. It’s impossible to turn on a television or go to the movies without seeing an evil company doing evil business in their evil suits. Even the good companies have a dark underbelly. Stark Industries made billions by shooting missiles directly at Wanda Maximoff, and Wayne Enterprises spent years harbouring Rutger Hauer.
My name is Rob Halden and I am uniquely suited to compiling this list of evil companies, as I have been harshly wronged by companies and corporations my entire life. One time I was on hold with Argos Customer Servicer for 45 solid minutes whilst they played nothing but the Black Eyed Peas.
DISCLAIMER:- of course, ALL companies are inherently evil. Even this T-shirt company that I am currently writing for. Tim and Jim might seem like decent, big-hearted geeks, but they still crack the whip of capitalism and thus, shall be first against the wall when the glorious revolution occurs. FORGET I SAID ANY OF THAT! Let’s get on with the light-hearted list!
HONOURABLE MENTION - CYBERDYNE SYSTEMS
They didn’t mean to do it! It wasn’t in their business plan to create an AI that wiped out humanity! Cyberdyne are just a bunch of goddamn nerds so goddamn nerdy that they can’t see any further than the accidentally-genocidal code in front of their noses.
Look, if this were a list of the most INCOMPETENT companies we’ve ever seen - Cyberyne would be number one with a bullet. But these guys only wiped out 98% of all life on earth by accident. Give them a break, you guys.
HONOURABLE MENTION - GLOBEX CORPORATION
In many ways, Globex Corporation was like the original Google. A company full of happy, smiling workers with access to an on-site fitness room, in-house shrubbery, and a casual dress-code every day of the week. But hidden beneath the pleasant veneer was a Weather Control Division, a Bacteriological Warfare division, and a giant doomsday laser. So yeah, indistinguishable from Google Dot Com.
Why don’t they make the list? Free dental care, a generous pension plan, three weeks paid vacation each year, and on Fridays the lunchroom serves hot dogs and burgers and beer. At the end of the day, Hank Scorpio was a good guy who cared about his employees. Plus, he was at war with the United States Government which will make ANYONE a Babyface in this day and age.
Sure, they build weapons of murder and death, believe destruction is the root of all life, and gleefully employ torture to get what they want. But the real crime of Jean-Baptiste Zorg is firing ONE MILLION EMPLOYEES DURING A RECESSION!
Selling weapons to fuel wars, a woeful economic plan that screws the honest workers, and serving Mr. Shadow, the Great Evil … Zorg is either an insane sci-fi villain or the next leader of the Conservative Party.
WOLFRAM & HART
When actual demons run a company, you can expect some pretty shady business practices. Keeping assassins on permanent retainers, hiring vampires, lethal performance reviews, firing people by setting them on actual fire!
But if anything, it was Wolfram & Hart’s law firm front company that was MORE evil! Stalkers, mobsters, murderers, rapists, corrupt senators, they all found themselves gleefully represented and protected by the powerful forces of the Wolf, Ram and Hart. Oh yeah, and they also represented THE PERSON WHO INVENTED CANCER!
We’ve all had jobs where we’ve realised just how expendable we are to the management. Jobs where it’s painfully clear that the bosses could not care less about their front-line staff. Well, Weyland Yutani is a corporation that has never heard the phrase “key worker”. They’ve definitely never bashed any pots and pans on the doorstep.
When Weyland Yutani encounter an issue, they solve it by hurling bodies at the problem. Crew members, marines, androids, Winona Ryder - they don’t care! All they want to do is steal the most dangerous life-force in the galaxy so that they can … y'know … somehow make money from it. That bit is never really explained. Do they think they can turn the Xenomorphs into little soldiers? That seems really dumb, someone call Ridley Scott and wake him up.
Also, this whole mess begins with Weyland Yutani instructing Ash to break the quarantine lockdown rules. Which means they’ve created yet another load of work for the Sue Gray Report.
I don’t know about you, but I just survived a deadly global pandemic, so the thought of companies WEAPONISING VIRUSES FOR PROFIT makes my left eye do that twitching thing that my therapist calls “troubling”.
Oh, and then just when you think a company couldn’t get any more evil than creating a weaponised zombie pandemic for cash-money … Resident Evil 5 reveals that it was never about money, it was about eugenics! The Umbrella Corporation was creating deadly viruses for the purposes of ethnic cleansing and class suppression - only the rich, strong and well educated would survive! Which is not great news for those of us who went to University in Stoke.
Also, they were founded by the British Royal Family so … y’know.
OMNI CONSUMER PRODUCTS
They build cops, the end.
Here’s a hard pill to swallow, but Harrison Ford is not the hero of Blade Runner, he’s one of the villains.
The Tyrell Corporation doesn't make microwaves or flying cars or even guns. They make slaves.
From everything we see in the Blade Runner movie, it’s very apparent that the Replicants have sentience in every way that should matter in a moral and ethical world. They have feelings, emotions, desires, hopes and they’re self-aware. Tyrell build slaves and sell them to the rich.
Oh and they also give these fully realised sentient people horribly short life-spans and then make them aware of that fact. Roy is the oldest Replicant we meet and he dies at the ripe old age of 4 YEARS OLD! Imagine dying before you’ve fully mastered colours and shapes.
All of this means that Deckard isn’t a cool, rugged, bounty hunter - he’s a slave catcher. When Replicants break from their chains and flee to Earth seeking freedom or revenge, Tyrell sics the Blade Runners on them.
For out-right evil, it’s pretty hard to imagine anything worse than a company that builds self-aware slaves and then murders them when they escape and rebel … except maybe any-and-all Airline companies.
...A note from Off World:
Thanks to the awesome and hilarious Rob Halden, co-host of the equally awesome and hilarious podcast Marvel vs Marvel for this great blog post!
Seriously y'all, if you have any interest in Marvel stuff whatsoever, be it movies or comics; do your ears a favour and go check these guys out. You can find them wherever you get your podcasts from.